Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
She puts the hot in psychotic
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing