me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.