If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
The best plant holders?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?