I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.