all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Sounds like a bargain
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.