I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”