People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Wasps: bees, but not helping
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives