My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
as is their right
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
There are usually two types of merchants.