I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You Might Also Like
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Catercrombie & Fish
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.