*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment