My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Important
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920