I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
(2022)
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway