My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*serious situation*
My brain: