had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
No way!
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
This will teach them to underestimate me
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time