Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.