The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
You Might Also Like
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.