If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!