Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.