Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You Might Also Like
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
same bro
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.