me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.