Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches