My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.