Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Yup….perfect score!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.