Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people