I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
This hospital has everything