(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You Might Also Like
Good news
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you