Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.