coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?