I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
You Might Also Like
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“I’m helping” 😅
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
That took me a moment.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.