I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo