When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*