My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
What
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”