my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I would like even faster food.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song