RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?