Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Care for your back
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk