Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
getting old is fun
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width