I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Nomnomnomnom
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.