The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
They’re really bad with fonts.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…