Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
You Might Also Like
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama