I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Choose your fighter
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
want me to check your oil?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese