Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
they split up moments later
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Duck typos.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.