Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Perfection.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon