Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
58.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.