Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.