I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.