Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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Good boy 😂😂
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?