Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.