Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
White parent Vs Arab parents
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.