Driving in Europe vs Canada
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My favorite farside!!
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Webb. James Webb.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest