I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?